He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
