I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
