rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
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I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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