i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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