She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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