oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
