Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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