wat bout pragnant strippers??
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
