I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
