she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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