I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
