Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
