if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
