my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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