I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
