Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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