Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
