Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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