i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
