he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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