I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I supernannyed him into submission
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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