You're my little dorito
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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