I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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