My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
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She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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