Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
