Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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