I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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