Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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