I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
