Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
