I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
