I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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