I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
