Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Randomize
