I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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