The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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