Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
