Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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