remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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