dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
