dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
