It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
