Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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