I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
