Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
