I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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