if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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