Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
