i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
