mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Drake has all the answers
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
