Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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