Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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