Whats the glycemic index on semen?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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