I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
