So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
