I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
